


Memories

by Dis (Disaster_Writes)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Break Up, Head Injury, Heavy Angst, Hospitalization, Injured Katsuki Yuuri, M/M, Regret, VICTOR IS AN IDIOT, episode 12, shameless angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 08:08:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18027974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Disaster_Writes/pseuds/Dis
Summary: When tensions are high you say things that you never mean. That is what happened to Yuuri and Victor the day before the free skate. Yuuri manages to skate to his Free program but at what cost?





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Unbetaed

He was- unsure about the others reaction. “Let’s end this.” He offered, his hands clenching and unclenching the fabric of his sweatpants. Anxiety seemed to claw at his throat, unsure on how to fully go about this conversation without breaking each other's hearts. Deep down, Yuuri realized that one of them, or both; weren’t coming out of this unscathed. This was going to be a disaster that they had no control over. 

Blue eyes looked at Yuuri with shock and surprise, “What?” Was Yuuri insane? Why? He has come so far since Hotsprings On Ice; why would he end it now? Was this not good enough for the other skater? They were engaged but, Victor could tell that Yuuri was fighting himself and what he ultimately wanted to say.

“You’ve already done more than enough for me, more than I could have dreamed of. My final season was the best one yet. That’s because of you.” Yuuri admitted before leaning forward and giving a bow to Victor, the bed underneath him was shifting with each movement. “Thank you for everything, so much. Thank you for being my coach.” His gaze wandered, looking at the slippered feet of Victor when he heard and saw a teardrop fall. What? Was- was Victor crying? Why was he crying? Giving a small gasp, Yuuri raised his head; taking in the look of the man across. Victor was wrapped in a towel, obviously out of the shower and relaxed for the night. Tears were swimming in those familiar blue orbs, he could see the frustration, the anger; but most of all. Yuuri could see that Victor was fighting with himself. “Victor?”

“Damn it.” Victor murmured in a watery tone, his emotions were swirling inside of him. Blinking away a few tears, he took in a steadying breath; not that it did much good. “That’s disappointing. I didn’t expect this from you of all people. Something so selfish.” Did the other truly think that this was going to be okay? Victor’s heart felt like it was stuck in his throat, every fear; every worry that he tramped down was being uncovered. There was only so much that he could do in this situation, not that he wanted to see it end badly. 

“Selfish or not, It’s my decision. I’m retiring.” He was sure on this… at least he was until he heard the trembling breath, how he saw the tears start to fall faster down Victor’s face. Yuuri reached out, a tender hand pushing away silver strands to fully look at the other. The movement caught the attention of the older man. Those normally warm blue hues were guarded, trying to hide the turmoil that seemed to swirl within Victor. 

“Yes Yuuri? What are you looking at?” Victor could feel the warm tears falling, how they landed on his ankles and the floor below. He shouldn’t feel as vulnerable as he did now, every wound seemed to be open. Wasn’t he a good coach? Did he do enough for Yuuri? Maybe he should have pushed the other a little more harder. Everything had been a dream, a wonderful; welcoming dream. And now? It was all falling down around him now. He shouldn’t be so susceptible to his emotions- and yet, he was.

Victor could see how the other was slightly taken aback by his question, only to realize what would come next. “Um, I’m just surprised to see you cry.” That- wasn’t the comment that he was looking for. He was mad- no. Victor was furious at Yuuri. See him cry?! Well, he wondered why! It wasn’t like he was a robot and didn’t have feelings. Victor- he just- he didn’t know what else to do. 

“I’m mad, okay? What else should I do?” He didn’t mean to knock away Yuuri’s hand so easily or so hard; but he did. He saw how the other leaned back in surprise and shock from the statement. He was livid. Most of all, he was unsure about their whole arrangement. No, he had to get out of his head before he spiraled. 

“You’re the one who said that it was only until the Grand Prix Final.” Yurri fiddled with his middle finger on his right hand, his thumb running over the unblemished skin. Had he read Victor wrong? Was this some ploy to get him to skate longer? Yuuri saw the anger that was just below the surface. He saw how with each comment, Victor was closing more and more of himself off to Yuuri.

“I thought you’d eventually decide you wanted my help for longer than that” Damn it, Victor couldn’t keep the trembling of his voice out of this conversation. He wanted to. He wanted to be calm and collected but Yuuri was making this so much harder than it had to be. The older shook his head in defeat, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go, none of this was. 

“It’s okay, you don’t need to worry about me.” Was that some form of reassurance from Yuuri? Some weak attempt at comfort to Victor and how he portrayed himself? No. This was Yuuri trying to reassure that they would be okay. A part of the Russian knew that this wasn’t going to be a happy ending. That they would be okay.  “This way you can make your comeback--” 

“Stop! I don’t want to hear it!” The tears seemed to be falling faster now as Victor let out his frustrations. “How can you tell me to return to the ice when you’re retiring?” The hands on Yuuri’s shoulders seemed to surprise him, those all too welcoming eyes were wide with shock and insecurities. “How can you tell me that we can’t do this together, like we’ve always have?” Victors voice seemed to raise as he stood above the other. Silver eyebrows were pinched with pain and unspoken emotions. “I don’t want to think that this was a one time thing. Was our engagement just a spur of a moment thing Yuuri? Was it something that you truly wanted?” He continued to vent out, noting how Yuuri was leaning back a little farther away from him. 

“W-What?” Yuuri whispered as he stared at Victor like he had two heads. “What do you mean? Of course I wanted this!” The normally soft spoken man leaned forward again, his hands reaching up to remove Victor’s hands from his shoulders. “Victor, why would you think that I didn’t want this? What we have? Are you so unsure of yourself that you have to constantly seek praise to validate yourself?” Yuuri challenged. He wasn’t going to back down from this, his own insecurities on the matter were coming. He could feel it. 

Victor simply shook his head and stalked to the other bed, taking off his white robe; not caring if the other saw him naked at the moment. “You were so nervous when you asked that of me Yuuri. How could I have read you in that moment?” Victor managed to get himself dressed, tugging on a black shirt, Dark jeans, and slipping on grey boots.  “There are days where I feel that I don’t know you. Even under all those layers that you protect yourself with. How am I supposed to know your true intentions. For all I know, you just wanted to get into my pants and this was the only way you knew how.” He couldn’t help the venom that slipped into that statement. Reaching up, Victor wiped away the tears that were cascading down his face. His free hand reached out for his phone.  

“How- How dare you!” Yuuri shouted. He was never known to raise his voice, even to Victor. “How dare you assume that of me, Victor Nikiforov! I have been your fan for years, even when you didn’t know me. Don’t go claiming that I just wanted to get into your pants, so becoming your student was the only way how!” Yuuri got to his feet, eyes alight with rage but most of all, pain. “Get the hell out!” He snapped, his own tears finally spilling down his face. “You know nothing of who I am! There is a very good reason why I keep you at arm's length! I never thought that you would turn out like them. You were my Idol, the one that I wanted to skate against but, I see your true colors now; don’t I?”

“Yuuri, ‘Like them’? Who are-” He wanted to apologize when he saw those tears fall, those aren't tears of happiness; they were tears of anger. They were tears of a man who had seen too much heartbreak to trust anyone fully anymore. “I’m s-”  Victor saw the other was struggling to maintain a clear frame of mind, this was a wreck. The free skate is tomorrow, they should be sleeping by now. 

“Don’t apologize, Victor!” Yuuri whined, pushing up his glasses to wipe away the tears that were falling down his face. “You are just like my exes, all you ever wanted was to get me to trust you before you shatter everything. Before you go on your merry way and step all over me.” Chocolate eyes were narrowed, he couldn’t trust the very man he idolized for years anymore. He thought- he thought Victor was different. He wanted to marry Victor, but this? He didn’t think he could anymore. “So get your stuff, and get the hell out of my room.” A growl escaped the skaters lips, his hands were shaking, he felt cold… And yet, he couldn’t force himself to move or take off the gold band that was around his finger. “I’ll be fine at the Free Skate tomorrow. I’ll show that I don’t need you to win the Final. You should just head home Victor.” The final tone was something that was unusual for Yuuri. 

“Yuuri. Please.” Victor pleaded as he simply stared at the young man who was mere feet away from him. His body felt like led, he shattered that glass heart inside of Yuuri. “I’m not like them I swear. Please believe me.” Blue eyes were wide as they finally met those guarded ones. He- that- no. No he couldn’t leave now. He  **_SHOULDN’T_ ** leave now. Now when Yuuri looked like this. He didn’t want to leave, deep down he knew that this would possibly be their last time with each other for a long while. 

“Get. Out!” Yuuri snapped with a trembling voice. “I am done talking with you. Just get out so I can sleep. I don’t need your distraction here before the free skate.” That was all that Victor needed to know if he stepped over the line. He hurt the very man that he loved. “What we have Victor, it ends tonight.” Victor shook his head, turning on his heel and zipping up his suitcase. This was really how they were going to end things? On a fight over Yuuri’s career? He didn’t want this to end, never. Victor walked to the door and reached for the handle. 

“Yuuri. I meant what I said, I’m not like them. I know you don’t believe me now, I just hope you will in time.  _ Proshchay moya lyubov' _ .” Victor breathed out before opening the door and walking out, the click of the latch behind him seemed final. The Russian reached up and wiped at his eyes again, damn it. Damn it! He should have fought harder to stay. Victor could hear the lock slide into place. He shook his head and wiped his face, making his way to the Elevators. Hopefully the hotel had a spare room tonight. 

Yuuri was leaning against the door, his fist shoved into his mouth as he gave a silent scream. The tears falling faster down his face. This - it shouldn’t end like this. Not when he still loves him- no No. Victor didn’t love him anymore. How could he? He fucked up. Yuuri fucked up the only thing that he cared for in this life. No- he had to stop thinking like that. He couldn’t think like that now. He- should go to bed. Not that he would get much sleep tonight. Not when he was this wired and awake. No doubt that he woke the adjoining neighbors with their fight. Nothing was throne but words cut deeper than any knife. 

The morning came too quickly for Yuuri. Taking a steadying breath, the skater donned his costume; not coming out of his room until the public warm up. Yuuri walked into the bathroom and looked at himself, his eyes were puffy and read from crying, his voice was a wreck from all the yelling. Most of all, he felt hollow. There was no way that he was going to make the podium, it was Sochi all over again. He shook his head, turning on the faucet and splashing cold water over his face. He couldn’t think like that, not now. Grabbing his backpack with his skates in it; Yuuri unlocked his door and stepped out into the hallway. His hair was already styled back in the way that he wanted it to. 

The ride to the arena was short and quick. Even when the media asked and called out for Yuuri, he steadfastly ignored them. Not now. He can’t lose his focus now. He made his way into the locker rooms and sat down, Taking off his sneakers and grabbing his skates. There was something blue in his backpack. Frowning, Yuuri pulled it out, it was a ribbon bracelet, the blue and black strands were intricately placed. He doesn’t remember buying this. The ribbons were connected to a cameo of a horse’s head. Shrugging, Yuuri placed it on his wrist, tying off the ribbons so they were secure. Finally, he put on his skates and the guards to the blades. He fixed his black and blue jacket before putting away the backpack in a locker. Yuuri’s phone was on, but silent. He didn’t want to hear Victor’s apologies or excuses. 

Shoving his hands in the coat’s pockets, Yuuri made his way into the main area. He missed the morning training session, there were questions about him and Victor floating about… he had to ignore them. Taking off his guards, he ignored the looks that were given to him; namely from Yuri, Phichit, and Christophe who were already on the ice. With each step and glide on the ice, Yuuri started to relax. He skated around the edge before going into a triple Salchow, landing it perfectly. He was skating a song in his head, his ears picking up random noises around him. It felt way too short before they were ushered off the ice so the event could begin. Yuuri caught a glimpse of silver hair but had yet to fully see Victor. Their argument… it was messy. Yuuri fiddled with the gold band around his finger before making his way to the back again. He’d be called for his program soon. 

He felt like he was on autopilot, everything sort of merged together for Yuuri. JJ managed a personal best for his Free Program, Phichit was finishing up his free skate when Yuuri made his way rinkside. He closed his eyes and took a settling breath, smiling as Phichit gave his final pose, Yuuri was proud of him. The two skaters embraced Phichit was rinkside, a rarity but Yuuri didn’t mind it. He managed his first smile in a long while. “You did amazing.” He reassured, it was only after Phichit left that Victor appeared from behind him. 

The russian had been watching Yuuri from a distance, seeing how the other had a guarded look on his face. “It’s time, Yuuri.” came the soft comment, holding out his hand for the skate guards. The other seemed surprised that he was there, the final wasn’t over so he was still Yuuri’s coach at the end of the day. “Skate your best out there, Be true to yourself.” Victor watched as Yuuri furrowed his brow and placed the skate guards on the offered hand. 

“I don’t need you to tell me that.” He admitted softly, taking a steadying breath he went to the middle of the rink. Standing in the center and taking his pose. His performance was flawless up into the end, He landed the triple Lutz, triple Toe Loop. He could feel the entrance to the flip was wrong, something was off and he didn’t know what. Swinging his foot back, he took off into a Quad Flip; the rotations were there but then he realized that he took off too close to the wall. His foot collapsed underneath him in the landing, causing him to fall backwards. He could feel how the back of his head cracked against the Ice. Everything was fuzzy as he laid out on the ice, prone and unmoving. The music quickly stopped as paramedics rushed over. He couldn’t open his eyes, everything felt distant as he faintly heard voices surrounding him. 

He- he could hear someone, telling him to get up but- he couldn’t. There was one last yell of his name before the world around him went black and quiet. Who was that man? Why did everything hurt?

Victor stared at the prone body on the ice, blue eyes were wide as the Paramedics tended to Yuuri. What happened? Oh god. None of this would have happened if he just let the argument go. Victor rushed over to the entrance, following the medics, fear gripped his throat as he was told to stay but ignored them. No. He wasn’t leaving Yuuri again. Everything was a blur; Morooka asked Victor to keep everyone updated. Chris placed a hand on Victor’s shoulder, knowing that the competition was on pause while they clean the ice. Victor couldn’t find Mari but- that wasn’t important to him now. 

He followed the paramedics to the local hospital, the worst part of it was the waiting. For several hours he was waiting until a doctor approached him. “Victor Nikiforov?” He had started. “Yuuri’s stable but, it’s not pretty. There was a laceration on the back of his skull due to his fall, the blade of his skate punctured the skin but not far. There is also cranial trauma from the fall, mainly on the Hippocampus. There isn’t a way to know the full extent of the damage until he wakes up.” The man explained with a sad tone. 

“So, there is a possibility that he has lost his memories.” Victor started, fear started to claw again at his throat. Now wasn’t the time. All he needed as the slight nod that the doctor gave. Oh god. “Can I see him? Please?” He tried to keep the fear out of his tone, it was failing. Victor was soon led to a private room, Yuuri’s prone body was laid out on the bed, bandages were wrapped around his forehead. The man sat on a plush seat, watching the other’s chest rise and fall. Victor took out his phone and unlocked the screen, noting the messages he already had. 

 

**[From: Victor N] to [Morooka]:** Yuuri is stable. We won’t know the extent of the injury until he wakes. Hopefully we’ll know soon. 

 

**[From: Victor] to [Phichit]:** Yuuri is stable, He has an injury to his head but it’s a waiting game at the moment. I’ll message you when he wakes up.

 

**[From: Victor] to [Mari]:** We’re at Hospital Universitari Sagrat Cor, Room 460. He has an injury to the back of his skull and there could be possible memory loss. I can go down and meet you at the door.

**[From: Mari] to [Victor]:** No. Stay with him. I’ll meet you there. Minako is coming as well. What the hell happened between you two? He was a mess on the Ice.

**[From: Victor] to [Mari]:** I- rather not say over text. I’ll tell you when you get here.

 

**[From: Victor] to [Chris]:** I fucked up. Yuuri is stable but he may not remember what happened. 

**[From: Chris] to [Victor]:** What happened between you two? Yuuri was distant during warm up and hell, he looked like shit. 

**[From: Victor] to [Chris]:** We had a fight about what would happen after the final… we said some words that we shouldn’t have. I just hope he’ll forgive me when he wakes up. 

**[From: Chris] to [Victor]:** Let’s pray that he does. I’ll be here if you need me, Victor.

 

**[From: Yura] to [Victor]:** What happened between You and the piggy? 

**[From: Victor] to [Yura]:** I don’t want to talk about it. He’s stable at the moment, it’s a waiting game.

**[From: Yura] to [Victor]:** Fine. I’ll keep Yakov off your back, he’s furious.

**[From: Victor] to [Yura]:** I wouldn’t expect anything less. Thank you, Yurio.

**[From: Yura] to [Victor]:** Yeah, Yeah… Just look after him.

Putting down his phone, Victor looked over to the bed. This was his fault. All of it. “I’m so sorry  _ moya lyubov' _ ” He whispered to the quiet room, Victor didn’t even look at the standings. They- They were irrelevant now. He just hoped he wasn’t too late to apologize. "Come back to me."

**Author's Note:**

> Proshchay moya lyubov' - Goodbye, my love  
> moya lyubov' - my love


End file.
